be nice. wrote this for creative writing. please tell me what you think. unless it's mean. then don't say anything. unless you can say it nicely. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. and no "it was wonderful" crap either, okay?
the point of this paper was to hone my dialogue writing skills.
THE BOUQUET
Daniel
shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. The long line of carts
stretched out in front of him for what seemed like hundreds of feet. People
were standing in line for last-minute Thanksgiving meal supplies. Why did
everyone wait until the last possible time to shop? Daniel wished he wasn’t there. His friends
were having a party today, and he had been invited. But his mom had said no
because they were going to visit his grandmother. She was in the hospital and
she was lonely, his mother had explained. But that had not lessened his
disappointment that he couldn’t hang out with his friends. He held the bouquet
of daisies in one hand, dropped down by his side, hoping no one would notice,
while he distracted himself with the many bags of assorted candies not far in
front of him.
Daniel had come to the end of what looked
like the shortest line, with four loaded carts in front of him. A few minutes
later, he was joined at the end of the line by an old man with coke-bottle
glasses. He was almost Daniel’s height, which, at twelve, was just reaching
five and half feet, and was almost completely bald, with age spots on his head.
The old man smiled
at
him, displaying a toothy grin that was missing a few prominent teeth. Daniel
smiled back.
The gentleman spoke up. “Buying flowers for
your girl?” he asked in a raspy voice.
“What these?” Daniel glanced down at the
bouquet. “Naw, these are for my grandma.
I don’t have a girlfriend,” he said with an embarrassed look. Daniel didn’t
care much for girls. Or flowers, either.
“Your
gramma like daisies?” asked the old man.
Daniel shrugged. “I guess she does. My mom
just told me to come in and pick out something pretty.”
“Well, my wife loved daisies. Women love
flowers, you know.”
Daniel nodded. The line moved up a few feet
as one customer was handed their receipt. Turning back to the old man, Daniel
noticed that his cart was filled to the brim with canned cat food and microwave
dinners.
“You must have a lot of cats,” he said.
“Yes sirr-ee, sure do. Ten or nine, I
think.” The old man scratched his head in contemplation. “Ten, I think it’s
ten.” He nodded in satisfaction. “You got any animals, boy?”
“Yeah, four dogs. Jazz, Jake, Annie, and
Bobby.”
“Well, I’d say it’s a good thing
we’re not neighbors, or we’d have ourselves a problem or two.”
“Or ten problems,” Daniel said, laughing.
“My cats, they wander around, but they keep
me company. That’s all a man asks for, sometimes. Specially round the holidays
as such.”
Daniel cocked his head. “Don’t you have
family coming to see you?”
“No sirr-ee, sure don’t.” The man
sounded sad.
“Don’t you have any kids or grandkids you
could go eat with for Thanksgiving?” Daniel asked with a frown.
“Mebbe, but I don’t think I’d be much
welcome at their house. My son’s a rich-type lawyer, you see.”
Daniel couldn’t imagine the old man not
being welcome. He was so friendly, and he was nice to animals. What wasn’t
there to like? He didn’t know what being a lawyer had to do with anything. What
was so good about lawyers anyway?
“Well, my dad’s a carpenter, but we
still visit my grandma. She’s in the hospital right now. That’s why I’m buying
these flowers.”
“Hospital, eh? Well, that’s mighty nice of
you to be buying her flowers and such. She’ll like that.”
Daniel felt sorry for this nice old man. He
didn’t have any kids or grandkids coming to visit him. He was going to spend
his Thanksgiving with his ten cats, probably eating his microwave pasta. What
kind of grandkid wouldn’t want to spend time with this man?
Then Daniel realized that he had been
that kind of grandkid. Ashamed, he held the daisies up to his nose. “You really
think my grandma will like these flowers?”
“Sure do. My wife loved ‘em,” said the old
man, his toothy grin returning. Suddenly it was Daniel’s turn in line. As the
cashier handed him his receipt, he turned one last time to the old man.
“Tell your grandma that she’s a lucky lady
to have such a nice grandson as you bring her flowers.”
Daniel didn’t know what to say, so he just
smiled at the old man and nodded. “Happy Thanksgiving, Mister.” And Daniel
hurried to the car. He hoped his mom would approve of the flowers he picked
out.
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